I completely disconnected from my body every time I was abused. I always felt so alone and so confused and the intense shame that I felt made me hate my body.
It was such a vicious circle, my body having developed early in childhood, made me an object to the wrong type of people. I naturally gravitated to people that treated me like my father had treated me. I felt so bad about myself and was so starved for love that I gave my body to my abusers in hopes that they would show me any kind of love.
Again and again, I got involved with men who would take advantage of me and abuse me. Every time, subconcious messages would scream to me to just give in because it was all that I deserved. My internal programming was strong and I could not get past it…until I had my son.
When I felt my son growing inside me…when I saw him in the ultrasound…when I realized the incredible power of a woman’s body…everything changed.
I began to look at my body as this amazing creation…this body was no longer defined by my abusers…watching my son grow inside me allowed me to gain a whole new respect for my body. I accepted this body as my own…and I made a decision that I would never allow another person to disrespect what was now mine.
For the first time in my life, my body was my own.
In childhood, my father fed me constant messages that anyone that showed me any attention, it was my duty to give to them. Unraveling those messages were a critical step in my journey to reclaiming my body and finally standing up for me.
For the first time in my life, I started to believe that my relationship with men could be different.
I spent two years on my own as a single mom after I left my husband. It was such a healing time for me…making more and more connections with my body, my heart, my soul….finally discovering the me I always was.
I had to redefine what loving touch looked like and I discovered that it had nothing to do with sexuality or abuse. When I touched my son’s face and he touched mine, when I held his hand, when he stroked my hair, I experienced a completely different kind of touch than I ever had. No expectations, no control, no shame, no guilt…just love.
I explored deeper by working with multiple massage therapists and friends…learning not just the power of loving touch but the power of love.
Throughout my life, I had always been the one to give this touch to others without expectation…once I opened to invite the same respect and love toward myself…I attracted people in my life that loved me without boundaries and expectations. I battled demons inside me that fought to tell me I did not deserve love or affection due to my past, but I beat them all.
I had to reconnect with my intuition and fully trust myself to know when I was being taken advantage of and I had found my power to walk away at any sign of abuse.
Sometimes, all it takes is just to remind the universe of what you are willing to accept and it will respond.
I love this body, heavy or slim, short or tall, young or old…this body is what allows me to be here to love and experience life…to hug my children…to love my husband…to hold my friends…to help heal people….
I have tremendous gratitude for the vessel which has carried me through this life…allowing me to learn and grow and share…
It is my hope that through my writing and coaching, I can help others experience the same deep gratitude and love for their own body.